June 4, 2010
Summer Sex Tips
Mike Diamond READ TIME: 3 MIN.
Ah, summertime, when lovers rejoice, and singles ponder suicide.
Summer is an especially easy time to score a quick hook up, what with all the exposed flesh, outdoor activities and heat induced testosterone surges, but that doesn't mean you can forget basic sex etiquette. In this age of red states and blue states, road rage and cell phone noise pollution, civility must somehow prevail. Nowhere is this more important than in the bedroom, where our innermost selves are exposed, and sometimes our buttholes too. Following, a few simple guidelines to make things go smoothly during those special summertime hookups.
When someone travels to your place, for God's sake, offer them at least a glass of water. Not only is it good manners, but do you really want a sandpaper blowjob?
Remove any photos of your boyfriend, wife, or children from view. Also remove that snapshot of you at a Log Cabin Republican fundraiser.
If your phone rings during sex, it's only ever appropriate to answer if it's your drug dealer, or a hottie who wants to swing by for a 3 way.
Remember, there are certain things nobody wants to hear during sex. These include, but are not limited to:
"Oops, sorry, I had a big lunch'
Water sloshing around inside of him;
"Can you not aim your cum onto my 600 thread count sheets?"
The whir of a video camera;
'Honey, I'm home!'
Giggling coming from behind the closet door;
"Mmm, work that pussystick"
Policeman tapping on the car window;
An egg timer;
"That's not my ring, that's my watch".
Fantasy is hot, so do all you can to keep the illusion going, you nelly queen, you. Stash your 'All About Eve' DVD in the closet, and refrain from blasting Judy, Barbara or Diana from the speakers. Yes, sex is the one time when self loathing is not only OK, it's encouraged!
If you get a pubic hair caught in your throat, bitch just swallow it.
Be creative; try to create a whole new sex act. I did, here's how it goes. If you're down on your knees blowing a really fat guy, pull his belly over your head while you suck him. I call it the Sleeping Bag. It's a great name because that experience is sorta like camping, bits of food everywhere. Oh those crazy binge eating chubbsters!
If you always dreamed of being an archeologist, have sex with an older man, it's like uncovering fossils! You've heard of that porno mag about young girls called 'Barely Legal'? Now there's a hot porn magazine all about older guys, it's called 'Barely Breathing'. Because nothing beats a good gum job!
We all have our little sexual idiosyncrasies. For example, I tell guys that I am about to fuck that perhaps, to make it more comfortable for them, they should sit down on my cock, just to make them think I'm a caring top. Really, I'm just lazy and want to lie down.
Exit scenes can be particularly touchy. One can tell a lot by the line a guy uses to get you out the door;
"Do you need to wash up?" means stick your greasy cock back in your jeans and get the fuck out.
"Would you like to take a shower?" means he may actually be a decent human being, or perhaps he just wants to blow you again while you soap up.
If they hand you your underwear and socks while you are still wiping cum off of yourself he wants you out ASAP. This type is a definite asshole, and I recommend 'accidentally' knocking a glass of grape juice into his laptop on the way out, or perhaps stopping off in his bathroom long enough to flush all of his Prozac and Viagra down the toilet.
If you are the host, please wait till your fuckbuddy leaves before hitting the Listerine. Nobody wants to feel like a walking bacteria factory, especially with the taste of your sweaty balls still in their mouth.
They say romance is back in style; I say it never went out!
Mike Diamond likes puppies!