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EDGE Rewind: Behold! Here are the 10 Most Absurd Items from The Goop Gift Guide

by Christopher Ehlers

EDGE Media Network Contributor

Tuesday November 15, 2022

EDGE is reaching into its archive and sharing some of our favorite stories from the past.

For all of Gwyneth Paltrow's many gifts, being relatable is not one of them. Don't get us wrong, we're fans. But over the last several years, Paltrow's reputation for being an out of touch elitist has only grown, thanks mostly to her lifestyle brand Goop and it's many...shall we say...quirks.

But no holiday season would be complete without Paltrow's Goop Gift Guide, and along with it the joy that comes from skewering it for all its absurd excess. Here are 10 of the most ridiculous items we won't be adding to our carts this year:

Agent Provacateur Crystal Whip, $380

The perfect gift for the man or woman that has everything, this riding crop has a crystal-encrusted handle...for absolutely no reason. There's also an absurd looking silver charm dangling from the handle, perfect for that high end dominatrix in your life.

Anissa Kermiche Jugs Jug, $460

Have you ever looked at your vase or milk carton and thought: "I wish this had tits on it?" Well, you're in luck! This curvaceous white porcelain vase is a cheeky work of art, perfect for displaying your fresh flowers or serving your guests freshly squeezed juice for breakfast.

Cowgirl Sex Machine, $1,750

How many times has someone said to you, "please, no more dildos for Christmas this year! I already have too many! I want something different!" Well, Goop has you covered with this sex machine, featuring two protruding attachments, one for orgasm and the other for deep penetration. But wait! There's more. It also swivels, thrusts, bumps, and slides. It's the perfect gift for anyone who is bored with their old-fashioned dildos or too cheap to hire an escort.

Rolex Men's Daytona Model 16518, $29,495

Not that a Rolex wouldn't make a great gift, but do we really need Goop to tell us that the most coveted watch on the planet makes a good gift? Well for all those absolutely stumped over what to buy the special man in their life this year, you'll have Goop to thank for providing you with this brilliant, never-before-thought-of idea. But choose wisely before you drop $30K: it's final sale.

Louis Vuitton Skimboard, $2,390

The epitome of practicality, this luxury skimboard is the ideal gift for the pretentious pain in the ass beach bum in your life. Made of wood—yes, wood—this absolutely asinine object will turn heads in all the wrong ways.

Tufted Boudoir Chaise, $28,500

If you've ever wanted to be tied down and fucked on a $30,000 piece of furniture, Goop has got you covered. Created by master furniture designer Mark Brazier and crafted from brass and tufted black leather, this bizarre eyesore makes it easier than ever to role play Victorian consumption patient and demented house doctor. But hurry and order now for Christmas delivery! It will take nearly a month to arrive.

Personalized Soul Song, $225

For just $225, you can purchase a 12-minute piano composition inspired by the planetary alignment of someone's birth. Finally, right!? First, "Gemini Brett" will translate the unique astrology of your birth chart into musical harmony by correlating the twelve signs of the zodiac with the twelve tones of a musical octave. Next, musician Erik Deutsch will record an improvised solo piano composition inspired by that translation. What's more, your song will also reference specific harmonic patterns derived from "auspicious planetary alignments" in your chart. Wow.

Naturally Cool Underground Cellar, $16,446

Is that impossible-to-shop-for person on your list simply sick and tired of using a refrigerator? You're in luck! Now, thanks to Groundfridge, you can literally bury your refrigerated goods outside and keep things from going bad the way that our ancestors used to! With just a little excavation, you can ditch your ugly old fridge and keep your food outside. What a great idea!

Living Vehicle Customizable Luxury Travel Trailer, from $339,995

Are you sick and tired of the limited gift options that come along with a $300,000 budget? Well, you're not alone. Get off that grid and escape in one of these state-of-the-art mobile homes that come equipped with solar-storing technology, perfect for anyone who thinks living in a home is soooo 2021.

Skyview Wellness Table Tamp, $999>

Don't you know that regular table lamps are for poor people? No, a regular lamp just won't cut it for Ms. Paltrow, and why should it? Regular, poor people lamps provide no circadian stimulus, which is why you should tell everyone you know to immediately throw theirs in the trash and ask Santa for this $1000, final-sale lamp. During the day, this lamp provides the wavelengths that support alertness and productivity. In the evening, it removes those light signals and transitions into sunset and nighttime modes to promote healthy sleep patterns. To quote Ina Garten, "how fabulous is that?"